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Life is quite strange now, isn’t it?

We don’t think that. That is just how it is. We work to earn and pay off everyone else, and yet it always seems there are more months than money. The bosses are two very few people, while we try our best to stay in control. We need to go in different directions, which are often contradictory.

We fight. We fight over parental decisions and who should change the dirty diaper. We fight over money and how many times we decided to eat out last week. We fight over pillowcases, laundry, and cleaning the toilet. We fight over stupid things to the point that we end up forgetting what we were fighting over. And then we argue only for the sake of arguing.

How exhausting! So much is expected of us. Schedules, running the house, chores, endless glasses of juice, and stains on the carpet. Waking up at 6 am because of hungry children and trips to the toilet. Fighting the temptation to have a snack 15 minutes before lunch for an entire quarter of an hour. And finally, when you can sit down for the first time in two hours, it’s just in time for someone who needs you right away. Sometimes it’s hard to catch your breath, and there’s less and less time to use the bathroom in peace.

We spend a lot of time just sitting around in silence. Not because we have nothing to talk about, but simply because we are tired of talking continuously. Sometimes I realize that there are important things that I haven’t mentioned to you because we simply haven’t talked about them. I wish we could go back to being as close as we used to be when we would only talk about ourselves and the time we spent together. Now sleep is better than sex, and playing games on our phones is more relaxing than talking.

This does not mean I am unhappy. This is the life I’ve always dreamed of. I don’t love anyone as much as you and our children. The exhaustion in our lives is better than everything else.

But my heart longs for you more than for anyone else.

I know it’s hard now, but I'm waiting because I’ll need you.

I’ll need you to tell me that everything will be fine when I cry on the first day of kindergarten. I’ll need you to hold me when the phone rings with bad news. I will need you to drive us back home when we leave our children in their dorm room and convince me not to try to save them from the bad decisions they’ll take there.

I will need you to hold my hand when we sit together in the church pew as they get married. And I’ll need you to dance with me at their weddings. I’ll need you to hold me at night when I think back to situations from their lives and cry because they are no longer mine.

I’ll need you when our financial situation gets worse or our schedules become less hectic. When there is no one yelling that they want juice or crying because of the non-existent dinosaurs in their wardrobes. When there are no bottles to clean or toys to step on. When they are only here for the weekend and instead of dirty clothes they bring our grandchildren with them. I’ll need you to buy me a swing and I’ll need you to sit next to me and hold my hand and say how grateful you are for the life we built together.

But, in the meantime, in all those situations where I will need you, know one thing: I need you now too. I want you to be with me at all times.

If that means we’re going to sit in awkward silence, waiting until this strange phase of life is over, then it’s okay. I’ll just sit close to you so you know that I am here and I’m not going anywhere. I can even hold your hand. The one that’s not playing Candy Crush, of course.

I love you and always will.

Silence is not a problem if I am with you.

holding hands black and white photo


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